I’m Still Here

I find it ironic how life works sometimes. When I started Anxious Artist just a short time ago, I was in the best mental health of my life. I had gone through so many challenges and had learned so much on how to keep my mental health on track that I wanted to share that with others. I wanted them to know that their struggle was real. That they weren’t alone. That there were options and support out there.

Since my last article, when I thought I was crawling from the depths of a manic fall, my health took a crazy turn. And, with it, my mental health has taken an even bigger hit.

It started with vertigo…

…the throw yourself on the ground, can’t stand, throwing up kind. The dizziness settled some, but then my body starting lighting itself on fire. It lasts for hours. It wakes me up at night. My heart flies into a rage, flopping in my chest, blood pressure rocketing. My body can’t take this kind of hit for long and it starts shaking; exhausted muscles quivering. I don’t want to eat. My stomach rebels at the thought of food. I can’t sleep.

Then there is the panic…screaming panic. Anxiety on such a heightened and sustained level that it makes the panic attacks of the past look like temper tantrums. And it just never goes away. It’s either high or higher.

All of this has been going on for nearly two months. I called a suicide hotline one day. I woke up just desperate for this to end. I knew I needed to reach out to someone and reach someone right away. Friends, family, counselors, therapists…they are all great options for reaching out but sometimes they can’t be exactly where you need them when you need them.

The Diagnosis

My doctors are at a loss. Test after test comes back negative for the usual culprits. Once again I am using alternative medicine to cope; tapping, acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, bi-lateral stimulation, etc. Like my friend once told me: When all of the standard methods fail, you have to look at the esoteric. That same friend and another told me to get my butt down to an alternative clinic about an hour away.

And I got an answer. I have Lyme disease…may have had it for a long time and something just triggered this cascade of symptoms. So the odyssey of healing begins.


I am not telling you this to elicit sympathy. I am not telling you this to get a “You got this, girl!” I am telling you this because I’m still here. I am fighting another battle that threatens to erode all of the progress I have made to maintain my mental health…and I’m still here. Sometimes every minute is a struggle, but I’m still here. That is a victory.

Remember that. Every moment you fight back the blackness is a win. Every day that you fight through to another morning is a blessing. It may not feel like it, but there are good moments and they are worth that much more for the struggle.

Take comfort in the small victories. You’re still here…and that’s all that matters.

2 Responses to “I’m Still Here”

  • Lynn Dompier says:

    I am not near, I can’t just drop by with a cup of tea. What I can do is let you know that I care, I read your blog, and I need you to keep it coming! Persistence is always rewarded. I am happy for you that you have an answer for the cause of the vertigo. Besides, we would drink the tea and it would be yummy, but gone. You have my heartfelt words, here, whenever you need them.

  • Thank you, Lynn! That means so much!

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While the articles are written to inform, entertain and support those who visit the site, the Anxious Artist is not a licensed medical professional and the information on these pages is not intended to replace regular medical care. Research and testimonials may show promising results with alternative treatments for mental illness, but these should always be discussed with a qualified medical practitioner before being implemented.

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